Somehow, while nobody was looking, the food industry managed to sell a truly horrendous lie to you, me, and the rest of the world. I'm talking, of course, about the sun-dried tomato. This shriveled red menace has become particularly ubiquitous over the last decade as a trendy topping for pasta dishes, pizzas, and sandwiches. What nobody has the guts to point out is that these things are nothing more than chewy crimson lies. "Sun-dried"? Really? And when was the last time you saw somebody laying tomato slices out in the sun? A heat lamp is not the sun, pal. Nor is an oven. Christ, I'm willing to bet even Martha Stewart pops them thangs in a dehydrator. Yet every single grocery store and restaurant you go to has the audacity to claim that these things were outside working on their tan for anywhere from four days to two weeks! Why? Why can't they just come clean and drop the pretense? If the garnish in question is truly in need of a slicker, sexier image, then give it a completely different name altogether. That little trick has worked wonders for dried grapes (raisins), and dried cranberries (craisins). So gimme some tomaizins, or gimme some plain ol' dried tomatoes, but don't give me this sad-sack nonsense about the sun. I mean, hasn't the poor plant already been through enough with the whole vegetable/fruit complex? One identity crisis for a piece of produce is plenty, folks. And if you have a problem with the truth I'm layin' down, you can go and cry me a sun-dried river.
Download: Squeeze - "The Truth"
Download: Crowded House - "Distant Sun"
Download: Darkel - "My Own Sun"
Download: Amy Winehouse - "Tears Dry On Their Own"
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