Hi Parents,

How would you like to have a closer relationship with your teen again?

Your ability to communicate effectively with your teen is one of the most precious skills you can develop to achieve this goal.

When we think of communication, we tend to think only of the way we can express ourselves. While that is certainly important, listening is the single most crucial of all communication skills.

As a mother of two teenage boys, I know that it isn't always easy to communicate well with your teen.

It's particularly frustrating when they aren't talking to you. However, when I started applying these techniques to our lives, I found that we started getting along better almost immediately.wow goldwow goldWith less arguing between us, our relationship became stronger.

1. Make Your Teen Your Focus

Give your teens your full attention. I know that this is a toughie, because we tend to be so busy. It seems as if we are always multi-tasking. However, it is important in clear communicating that you make a point of stopping what you are doing and really listen to your teens (rather than just hearing him). wow gold

When you give your teens your undivided attention, they will know that you care, because you took the time to listen, thereby increasing the chances that they will listen to you.

2. Get the Details

Hear what your teen is really saying! Teens tend to give terse answers to questions,wow goldleaving out details that may be important. It's up to you to be able to get them to open up and draw them into a conversation.

Here is an example:

Teen: "I hate my teacher!"
Parent: "Oh, you don't really mean that!"
Teen: "Yes, I do. I double hate him!"
Parent: "Well, I don't want to hear that kind of talk. I am sure you don't really hate him!" wow goldTeen: "Yes, I do so. I hate all teachers!"
Parent: "Do you think hating your teachers is going to get you a good mark?"

And on and on the arguing goes….

Here’s an alternative:

Teen: "I hate my teacher!"
Parent: "Wow,World Of Warcraft powerlevelingWorld Of Warcraft powerlevelingyou don't normally hate anybody. What did he do to get you talking like that?"
Teen: "A couple of kids didn't have their homework finished again today, so he decided to punish all of us by giving us a math test tomorrow!"
Parent: "That doesn't sound very fair!"
Teen: "No, it isn't fair at all. I wanted to go over to Rachel's tonight to hang out and listen to music. Instead I have to study for that stupid test. I am so mad at my teacher! He ruins everything!"
Parent: (Just listening.)

This teen was able to express herself, and she felt validated by her parent.

You will notice that the parent didn't argue about the feelings the teen had. The parent listened and was not judgmental. You don't have to agree with your teen’s feelings. World Of Warcraft powerlevelingYou only need to acknowledge them. There is no such thing as a wrong feeling. We can’t help what our teens may feel. We should set limits, however, on behaviors that don’t conform to what we consider to be appropriate behavior.

Expressing one's feelings is a healthy thing; although negative expressions of one’s feelings should be avoided,World Of Warcraft powerlevelingsuch as screaming or name calling. A good way to avoid this is using time-outs--wait and continue the conversation when everybody has calmed down.

3. Open-Ended Questions

Questions can be crucial to communicating with your teens. Ask questions that they can't answer with only a yes or a no.

For example in the above scenario the parent could ask the teen, "What could you do to help your teacher change his mind about the test?"

Teen: "I am not sure. This guy is so stubborn!"
Parent: "What if you talk to him and come up with better ways for him to deal with the kids that aren't doing their homework?"
Teen: "Mmhhh, maybe I could give it a try."

4. Criticize Behavior, Not Your Teen

Moving from the listening to the talking part of communication, your focus shifts. When you want to see a change in your teens’ behavior, using the following structure can be very helpful. “When you______, I feel______, because I need______.” This wording (known as “I“ message) doesn't attack your teens’ personality. Instead it merely talks about an action of theirs that you'd like to change and why.

Here is a scenario you might relate to: World Of Warcraft powerlevelingThe chores were not done. Your teen went out instead. This example does not show the best way of communicating. It is a personal attack and makes statements you may not stick to anyway.

Parent: "You didn't do your chores! You are such a lazy slob! You never do your chores, and I always have to do them for you. World Of Warcraft powerlevelingNext time you don't do them, I am going to ground you for a week!
Teen: (Feels pretty lousy.)

Now here is an example using the “I” technique:

Parent: "When you didn't do your chores before going out, I felt really mad. We had an agreement about chores being done before going out, and I need you to do
your part of the chores, or I am stuck doing them for you.”
Teen: (Thinking.) “I guess that makes sense.”

Remember when you start a sentence with
“You are such and such,” you aren’t
communicating. You are criticizing!

5. Let the Consequence Fit the Action

A fairly big problem that parents run into is looking for suitable punishment for broken rules.wow powerlevelingHowever, the penalty applied usually isn't related to the teens’ action. As parents, we need to show our teens that each choice they make has consequences, but the discipline needs to be appropriate.

Parents tend to punish their teens by taking away something the adolescent enjoys, World Of Warcraft powerlevelingfor example no TV for a week. Let’s take the earlier example of the chores not being done, such as the laundry left in a heap. It would be more beneficial to the development of your teen if you base the penalty on a natural connection between his action and the punishment. A good way of showing the consequences to his action in this instance would be having him do your laundry as well as his next time,world of warcraft power levelingsince you had to do his this time. When following such a step, you are practicing "silent communication". This means letting him experience the natural consequences of his actions. This technique speaks louder than any words ever could. It illustrates to all people that they will be held accountable for what they do.

As they grow, teens tend to receive more privileges from parents. It is important for them to realize that more responsibility goes along with the extra freedom.

6. Using Descriptive Praise

We all praise our teen sometimes. We tell them, "You are a smart kid.” Perhaps you might say, "You are a good piano player.” We mean well, but unfortunately this kind of praise doesn't bring the desired effect of making your teen feel good about himself. wow power levelingWhy is that? It is because what we are doing is evaluating their actions. With this type of praise, we aren’t giving evidence to support our claims, and this makes the praise fall flat and seem empty and unconvincing.

We need to describe in detail what they are doing. As your teen recognizes the truth in your words, he can then evaluate his actions and credit himself where he feels the praise has merit.

Here is an example with evaluating praise:

Teen: "Hey, Ma, I got a 90 on my geometry test!"
Parent: "Fantastic! You are a genius!"
Teen: (Thinking) "I wish. I only got it 'cause Paul helped me study. He is the genius."

Here is an example with descriptive praise:

Teen: "Hey, Ma, I got a 90 on my geometry test!"
Parent: "You must be so pleased. You did a lot of studying for that test!"
Teen: (Thinking) "I can really do geometry when I work at it!"

Describing your teens’ action rather then evaluating them with an easy "good" or "great" or labeling them with "slow learner" or "scatterbrain" isn't easy to do at first, because we are all unaccustomed to doing that. However, wow power levelingonce you get into the habit of looking carefully at your teen's action and putting into words what you see, you will do it more and more easily and with growing pleasure.

Adolescents need the kind of emotional nourishment that will help them become independent, creative thinkers and doers, wow power levelingwho aren't looking to others for approval all the time. With this sort of praise, teens will trust themselves, and they won’t need everybody else's opinion to tell them how they are doing.

Another challenging problem concerns when and how we criticize our teens. Instead of pointing out what's wrong with your teen’s actions, wow power levelingtry describing what is right followed by what still needs doing.

Example: Your teen hasn't done his laundry yet.

Parent: "How is the laundry coming?
Teen: "I am working on it."
Parent: "I see that you picked up your clothes in your room and in the family room and put it in the hamper. You are half way there."

This parent talks with encouragement,wow power levelingacknowledging what has been done so far, rather then pointing out what hasn't been done yet.

For more helpful information and examples on good communication with your child, I highly recommend a book by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So They Will Talk, published by Harper, ISBN 0380811960.

There’s a teen version of the book called How to Talk so Teens Will Listen, ISBN 0060741252.

"Parents need to fill a child's bucket of self-esteem so high that the rest of the world can't poke enough holes in it to drain it dry."

- Alvin Price

Another great place to find stories that support and encourage your Teen is in the Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul book series authored by Mark Victor Hansen and Debbie Reber.!

The Partnership for the Delaware Estuary is now accepting entries on behalf of the Philadelphia Water Department for the 2008 “Clean Water Begins and Ends With You” Drawing Contest, an annual art competition for kindergarten through 12th-grade students throughout the City of Philadelphia.

For the past nine years, the nonprofit National Estuary Program has partnered with the Philadelphia Water Department to hold this popular contest, the purpose of which is to educate thousands of children every year about stormwater runoff pollution, the leading cause of water contamination throughout the Delaware Estuary.

First-place drawings from four age categories will be featured on car-card advertisements celebrating the 38th anniversary of Earth Day. These, along with 12 other award-winning entries, will be published in a calendar available for free to the public. Other prizes to be awarded at a ceremony in April include framed certificates, a variety of art supplies, and gift cards ranging from $25 to $100.

“Each year we honor the winners and their teachers at the Fairmount Water Works Interpretive Center,” said Ed Grusheski, general manager of public affairs at the PWD. “It’s a great setting in which to reward these youngsters for their artistic achievements in an effort to educate the public about protecting the region’s valuable water resources.”

The first school to submit 100 qualified entries or more by the February 22 deadline will receive a $500 gift card for school supplies. And each teacher of a winning student will receive a $25 gift card toward the purchase of art supplies.

Stormwater runoff occurs whenever water from rain or melted snow flows over watertight surfaces such as driveways, sidewalks, and streets. Rather than naturally soaking into the ground, this stormwater picks up debris, chemicals, and other pollutants on its way into storm drains. It is then frequently discharged directly into the water bodies we use for swimming, fishing, drinking water and more.

To learn more about this form of non-point source pollution and the “Clean Water Begins and Ends With You” Drawing Contest, please call Dee Ross at (800) 445-4935, extension 106. Entry forms and additional details can be found at www.DelawareEstuary.org.

I went to Philadelphia's Constitution Center last night to hear Dave Isay, founder of StoryCorps and regular radio producer for NPR talk about his work as a gatherer of stories. He said this is his life's work. How refreshing to hear of a man who has found his work, and that work is helping other people find their own stories and share them with the people they love. This is the human experience at its best.

Radio personalities are "different" from the bigger than life celebrities on television. Even though they have influenced me for much of my life, since I don't see them they don't project an overpowering sense of celebrity. So for example, Terri Gross introduced the evening. Wow. Terri Gross. I listen to her as many days as I can. She is like intellectual and cultural oxygen in an underwater world. And there she was a few feet away (I was sitting on the front row.) And Jane Eisner, Vice President for National Programs at the Constitution Center did the interview. I just stared at her, trying to understand how she could speak so intelligently, in complete sentences no less. Unlike politicians who speak in routine phrases or actors who read scripts, these public figures actually come up with intelligent observations. I love it. It turned out the "founder of Public Radio" was in the audience, an unassuming man, in an overcoat who started All Things Considered in 1971. (I didn't catch his name. Anyone know it? Bill Semring?) And he was just there, sitting in the audience.

Going into Philadelphia and sitting in a live audience a few feet away from live performers seems so retro, and yet so real. It's an treat, amidst my busy life, to occasionally experience these rather esoteric benefits of living within the orbit of this major metropolitan community.

If you're interested in storytelling or memoir writing, check out my blog entry on the topic at Memory Writers Network

So...Natalee Holloway is back in the news again, eh? What about Jamie Cockayne? Why not equal time for him as well? Is his death so unimportant?

Cockayne Family Photo previously released to friends, family, media, etc.

Jamie Cockayne was brutally murdered in June, 2007. It took until August, 2007 for the U.S. Virgin islands Government to finally act, and at that time, they put first degree murder suspects, Kamal Thomas and Anselmo Boston back on the street with bail that was utterly laughable. We have to wonder if those two are really under house arrest and wearing monitoring bracelets as the U.S. Virgin Islands limps into another tourist season.

The news of the updates in the Natalee Holloway case undoubtedly made for a more hopeful or joyful Thanksgiving for the Holloway family, but are the Cockaynes not to receive such a gift ever? How is it justice still appears so fleeting on a United States of America territory? Are the laws different?

Coffeepot Ghost Photo

So back to "America's Paradise". Why is it that local business owners write mean letters to local papers? in one the writer, a local business person, says Mrs. Cockayne must be drunk while writing them? Seriously? Nice empathy and sympathy. Way to go, care about those tourism dollars - but hey, maybe it's just us, but reading this letter we wondered WHY anyone would want to visit a place so cruel. Yes, Mrs. Cockayne is drunk...drunk with grief...and who can blame her? Her son was brutally murdered! And it does not matter if his son was being mouthy, had too much to drink, flirted inappropriately or whatever - murdering him and leaving him to just die on the street only a short distance from a police station was NOT the appropriate response to any of that!

And what about Chicago native Don Calloway, brutally beaten to a pulp for no reason in 2006? Did he deserve THAT?

Don Calloway personal photo from www.caribbeannetnews.com

Here is an excerpt from a CBS2 news report in Chicago from 2006:

(CBS) You go on vacation to escape from the troubles of everyday life.

Now, there's a disturbing trend of violent crime in tropical paradises considered to be very safe.

The latest involves a Chicago man who suffered a vicious attack on the U.S Virgin Island of St. John.

As CBS 2's Suzanne LeMignot reports, his mission now is to spread the word.

A blood-stained face, an open wound on his knee; this is how Don Calloway said he looked after he fell to the ground following a beating with a shovel.

"This kid started swinging. The first couple shots, I took in the arms, I caught one. Then, after three or four shots, he landed one on my head," Calloway said.

Calloway said he was attacked while vacationing on St. John. He had left a local bar on the island and was trying to hail a cab. That's when he said two teens approached him from behind.

"I took off my watch, threw it to them, asked them what they wanted, do you want my money. They never said anything," Calloway said.

Calloway said he was able to get away from his two teenaged attackers. He ran to a nearby police station.

Police found his battered watch on the road. The attackers never took it.

Weeks later, Calloway's wounds may have healed, but now, he wants justice.

So...Don Calloway left a local bar...and see? he gets beaten to a pulp for contributing to the island economy? That is why we scratch our heads when we read letters from local merchants in the St. John Tradewinds lamenting the unwelcome attention - they say the letters from the Cockaynes are "tedious" and infer they are bad for business. Well, if these fine merchants think the letters are bad for business and toursim, what about the crimes occuring that go unsolved? According to Mrs. Cockayne there are significant number of unsolved crimes and crimes like rape, burglary and assault go unreported more times than not. Explain to us all again why we should vacation in "America's Paradise"? Why is a boycott such a bad idea? Didn't boycotting Aruba get instant attention to the Natalee Holloway case?

What are all those folks on St. john in the U.S. Virgin Islands afraid of? Why is the United States Government not doing more here? If this is a United States Territory, then as taxpayers, don't we have a say in where some of our tax dollars go? So, if we can't control the spending of the tax dollars, why not control the spending of the tourist dollars? Why NOT just vacation someplace else? Why would we want to go to a place that also has things reported like horrible animal abuse? Do you want to vacation in a place that allows ears to be cut off dogs and little cats are drowned for fun? Is St. John USVI paradise or a little island slice of hell?

And so what if we hear more from Mrs. Cockayne. She has a mission: Justice for Jamie Cockayne and other crimie victims in "America's Paradise", the United States Virgin Islands. No, the residents of St. John USVI might not like it, but she is entitled to say what is on her mind. Recent thoughts can be found here and here.

Do you know something that could help Jeanie Cockayne get justice? Are you a Government official in the United States of America who could help? Are you a member of the media that thinks equal time for Jamie is in order?

Then here, contact Mrs. Cockayne - she asks time and again in published letters to the editor:

215-862-1142 or email jeancockayne@mac.com

.

We understand that the Cockayne family still has real concerns about law enforcement entities not communicating with each other. We really wish the Cockayne family would set up a website and make all these documents, articles, and letters available. We really wish the Cockayne family would set up a website and make all these documents, articles, and letters available. We really wish that elected officials would get off their keysters and get busy demanding justice and enact change.

Give the Cockayne family peace and closure for Christmas - Advocate Justice for Jamie Cockayne.

Philadelphia HUNE, Inc., (Hispanos Unidos para Ninos Excepcionales) a non profit organization and although we have been around for 9 years alot of people are not aware of our services that are provided for free. We offer assitance to parents of children with disabilities. We have workshops that parents can attend (you have to register) to obtain information that will help them become more pro active in their childs education. We also provide general education information. We want to announce our new Helpine 215-425-5112. We offer services in both english and spanish. As a parent of child with disabilities I know how hard and fustrating it is not knowimg what to do when your child is being deprived of an education the he or she is intitled to umong other things.
Our office is located at 202 West Cecil B Moore Avenue Philadelphia PA 19122. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to contact me M-F between the hours 9am to 4pm at 215-425-6203. Thank you so much for your time. Have a wonderful day.

Sincerely,
Armindelis Toledo

This area has been talking about Andy Reid and his spoiled druggie sons since February! Haven't we hear enough? Empathy and sympathy are becoming fleeting emotions when all you hear is how one of these two druggie, yet good Morman sons has failed a drug test, been found with more drugs, etc. What are Andy and Tammy Reid doing? If they live in the same house with these boys, we can understand them not knowing initially what was up with their bad seeds, but now? How can you keep excusing the parents? Granted, these boys aren't boys any longer, but legal adults, but the question has to be asked: are the parents enablers?

Whatever the case may be, this ongoing drama is yet another black eye on this area. The saga over Baldwin School vs. fired teacher vs. spoiled parents is bad enough, but now this? And add to that all the murders in Philadelphia, and the horrible story of murdered Philadelphia police officer Chuck Cassidy, who left behind a wife and kids. Officer Cassidy isn't a multi millionaire like Andy Reid must be, and he lost HIS life doing one of the toughest jobs in the world: being a police officer.

So Andy Reid, Tammy Reid, we hope you get it together because at this point y'all need to decide what is more important: fame or family. Dealing with addictions is not easy we're told, nor is the path to a drug free life simplistic. But seriously? Maybe it is time to say sayonara to this area and concentrate on your family. The Philadelphia area deserves better. It's not our collective job to watch your sons, and every single time they are picked up for something new it costs the taxpayers more money for babysitting.

Your kids are addicts. Own it. Get used to it. Deal with it. And maybe, just maybe, you might want to publicly address this family issue taking up so much of our time. This stopped being a private family matter a long time ago.

A beloved Philadelphia tradition, the Kennel Club of Philadelphia Dog Shows return on Saturday and Sunday, November 17 and 18, 2007 at the PA Convention Center, 12th and Arch Streets. The back-to-back shows, like a doubleheader in baseball, are complete at the end of each day. Some dogs compete just Saturday, some just Sunday, some on both. Doors open at 8 AM, Best in Show is crowned around 5 PM. When not in the ring, dogs are required to stay on benches in order to meet the public. One of only six such benched shows left in the nation, the purpose of this arrangement is to introduce and promote the many varieties of the purebred dog to the public. You can pet the dogs (with permission), ask questions of their people, make contacts with breeders, purchase treats for your favorite pooch or pooch-lover, watch demonstration events with athlete dogs, and see your favorite breed competing in the ring. For more info, go to www.philadogshow.com or call 610 627 1911. A final judging schedule will be on the website approximately one week before the shows. Tickets are $12 for adults, $6 for children.

Friday, November 9, 2007
8am-5pm
PA Convention Center

The time has come for us to stop talking about the problems in our neighborhoods and start acting. This year’s conference is inspired by the community activists and youth leaders who work hard to make our neighborhoods places of opportunities where people excel, ideas grow and dreams are realized. By bringing together young people ages 14-21 and adults from around the region, we will begin to create real solutions to the many challenges in our communities. Workshops and interactive sessions will empower youth to effectively address the challenges they face everyday and enhance adults’ capacity to nurture the potential of every youth. We invite everyone, both youth and adults, interested in making a positive and lasting impact in their community to “Step Up!” and “Be the Change”.

**This year’s conference will feature an exciting keynote speech by Ephren W. Taylor, CEO of City Capital Corporation and the youngest African-American CEO of a publicly traded company ever!**

*The conference will also feature a lunchtime comedy performance by Philadelphia’s own Keith from Up Da Block!*

For more information, or to register, visit us online at www.greatsettlements.org or call Amanda at 215-925-7875.