Previously , in this space, we discussed what to do if arrested (i.e., shut up) however, recent events have made me consider that more needs to be added to those words of advice. For instance, don't hire an attorney just because you've seen his name in the paper. Try to remember what it was he was in the paper for. This could be important. If he's under indictment himself, not only does it reflect poorly on you, you won't get your money back either. So, if for example, he hasn't paid his taxes for ten years, pissed off somebody in the mafia, or was found butt-naked in the courthouse with a teenage girl, he might not be the one you want representing you.
Let's not misunderstand, I'm not advocating that anyone lead a life of crime, merely asking that, if you do, you give it a little thought, and attempt to apply a little skill, much as you would with any other profession. There was a recent case where a middle aged gentleman robbed a bank, then handed the money to the guard and waited for the cops to show up. It turned out he was broke, and was hoping he could be incarcerated until his social security kicked in in. Just trying to get "3 hots and a cot" as they say, (although in this county you get a lot of cheese sandwiches and a cold cement floor shared with a bunch of other hairy sweaty guys. But hey, a man's got to do what a man's got to do). If that's your goal, then read no further. If you are trying to make "America's Most Wanted", that's also a seperate issue. That scenario, however, does not apply to most "guests of the state". This is for the guys (and gals) just out there trying to "make a living." So, keeping that in mind, let's proceed on something we probably should have discussed long ago:
How Not to Get Arrested in the First Place.
(I know, I know, it seems obvious, but you'd be surprised. )
Don't take things for granted. There are some things that you really can not get away with. Being buck naked in the court house is one of them. Also not a good idea:
Driving down the interstate at full speed on a wheel rim (due to a blown tire) and shooting sparks all over the highway when your trunk is full of drugs and guns.
Robbing the mini-mart and leaving the sawed-off shotgun in plain view on the passenger seat of the get-away vehicle.
Robbing your neighbor across the street, your grandma, or anybody else that knows you and can identify your stupid ass, mask or not.
Robbing someone's house and stopping to: eat cookies, take a nap, watch t.v., drink a beer, or anything else that does not involve getting right the hell back out.
Robbing a bank with a demand note written on your own deposit slip or electric bill.
Stealing a pair of shoes during a robbery and leaving your old ones behind. Especially with your name grafitiied on the side.
Running red lights, making illegal u- turns, or any other dumb-ass thing that draws attention to yourself when the proceeds of your particular special crime are in the car.
Calling each other by your real names during the commission of your felonious adventure.
Going back to check out the action at the crime scene, and not even bothering to change your clothes.
Robbing a liquor store or bar. That just pisses people off.
Killing someone in a bloody manner anywhere in your house or car. (No, smarty, bleach will not get rid of all the evidence, and neither will fire. You just ruined all that stuff for nothing.)
Committing a crime in front of a police station, 7-11, funeral home or nudie bar, or any other place known to attract large crowds or use surveillance video. I mean duh.
Sometimes it seems to me that you guys just aren't even trying. Whatever happened to having a work ethic? Stop watching so much t.v., and put a little thought into it. The bad guys on t.v. nearly always get caught anyway, so clearly you aren't paying attention to that properly, either.
Another piece of advice: start small. Try spending a couple of months in the county jail before you decide to go big time. If you can't deal with the locals, chances are you're not going to like the stateies any better. If you are under, say, 5'10" and 175 lbs, you really don't want to go there. Keep it in mind.
Don't create suspicion. Despite the best efforts of the Bush administration, you do still have SOME rights. While the cops can do a "ped stop" or a traffic stop at anytime, they're not allowed to shake you down if you aren't doing anything. They have to have "reasonable suspicion" that you are up to something. So, yelling "5-0," running away, starting a car chase, and/or tossing stuff out the car window or from your pocket into the bushes is NOT a good idea. Even to a moron this is supicious behavior. Where before you'd have gotten a dirty look, a ticket, or an order to disperse, now you're getting locked up. Congratulations, dumb ass.
DO NOT point a gun at the cops. Even if it's not loaded. Even if it's not real. You won't have to worry about going jail, you'll get a one-way ticket to the morgue. What, did you think they were just gonna' say "o.k., we give up" and let you go? Uh-uh.
And pay attention to your mandatory minimums. A gram might not be a lot, but they add up. Strong-arm robbery may get you a year, gun point will get you five. And, no, your girl is not gonna wait for you. She's got babies to feed. Remember, whatever it is you're thinking, it's probably not a good idea. Hope this helps. Leave the weapons at home, and be careful out there.
